Watch the 2016 Chinese movie, SoulMate, starring Zhou Dongyu, who won a Best Actress award with this film at the 53rd Golden Horse Awards. She also starred in Us and Them, which I mentioned in a previous post.  At first, SoulMate may seem to be just another coming-of-age tale. Two girls with different family backgrounds grow up together, then have to wrestle with difficult choices between their friendship and romantic love for the same man. Plot twists and turns play to the two women’s opposite personalities. The film, with its unexpected ending, creates a deeper story than simply another love triangle. It prompted me to ask myself afterwards, is love intrinsically or inevitably connected to suffering?

Many books describe strategies to steer us away from mistaken expectations that lead to paths of false happiness (see "Science" page under Resources). Their advice is consistent with findings in research on wisdom and subjective well-being. These include developing meditative practices to enhance living mindfully in the present, incorporating acts of giving with daily reminders of gratitude, and embracing self-reflection of experiences instead of acquisition of things. Finally, researchers conclude that real happiness cannot be pursued directly. It can only ensue as a by-product of a different goal. We must live with a well-founded purpose in life that resonates with our being. 

Therein lies the rub — the universal presence of suffering in the world. No man is an island. Our life’s purpose and meaning cannot be isolated and restricted to the self. We are part of a community, whether joined voluntarily or thrown in by life circumstances. Our identity is Homo Collaborator. Our power in the world comes from working toward common goals through our ability to think and work together. As we do so, all of us recognize the reality of suffering that we must incorporate into our reason for being. Fortunately, from popular culture to psychology, from pillars of major religions to post-modern truth-seekers, we also accept the life-giving presence of love in our midst. Love is also universal. 

All Faiths and Science theories of origins must explain the dual presence of love and suffering in our world. In his book, 21 Lessons for the 21st Century, Yuval Harari describes the Buddhist teachings on suffering. Our suffering results from the failure to appreciate that except for change, nothing else has enduring essence. Attachment to a forever changing reality is the cause of disappointment, misery, and hatred. Therefore, life has no meaning nor is there a need to create meaning. Harari astutely points out, however, that the practical outworking of Buddhism is another story. Burma and Siam, two Buddhist states, went to war in the 18th century, and Japan took a foray into a military dictatorship. Buddhism preaches acts of compassion with non-attachment to the outcomes. Yet our resultant pain and suffering associated with this compassion for the world is a reality.

To love is to be vulnerable. This vulnerability opens our heart to pain, whether self-induced, community-shared, or of others’ doing. A broken creation contains both flawed givers and recipients of love. It is now well accepted in the theory of hedonic adaptation that we will be disappointed when we seek or love things. We will also experience suffering when we love people. Whether best friends, soulmates, spouses, or sons and daughters — our love will not always be understood or reciprocated. Even when we withdraw our own interests for the sake of the other, or overcome our conflicts through forgiveness, we will be hurt. We can never develop and demonstrate perfect unconditional love. 

The salve for this is experiencing God's compassion. God, in His wisdom, enters into our world to join us in our suffering as a sign of His love. Jesus embodies, exemplifies, and empowers us to share in that calling. Our purpose and meaning in life is not individual self-actualization for our own sake. Our goal is to know how and where we fit in the joint communal efforts to love our fellow human beings and our creation. It is in our nature to love and be loved. Are we ready to suffer while doing so?